Fighting for My Faith

Today I’m saying yes to holding on // 28 Days of Fighting for My Faith

I haven’t seen many people talk openly about this part of their faith walk. The part where faith is thin and the heart is heavy. The part where you don’t doubt that God can perform miracles, you just don’t know if those miracles still apply to you. When the waiting season stops feeling like a season and starts feeling like a lifetime.

I’m still learning how to hold faith and disappointment in the same hands. I’m still learning to sit with the questions. I don’t have the answers. But I’ve felt God’s presence so deeply before. I’ve seen His grace on my life, and I remember all the moments my faith carried me, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t matter.

So this month, instead of pulling back, I want to draw near. I’m choosing to fight for my faith.

After weeks of sitting and thinking through this feeling, the Lord led me back to the Gospel of Matthew (which feels like a full-circle moment because in 2016, when I first chose to give my life to Christ, it was after reading Matthew). And I’m not being dramatic when I say the gospel of Matthew saved my life.

Coincidentally, there are 28 chapters in Matthew and 28 days in February. So I’m reading one chapter a day and writing about the ones that speak to me here. And if you’re in a similar place—trying to hold on, trying to believe, trying to stay— I invite you to join me!

After every four chapters of Matthew, I’ll post my reflections here. I ask you to read along daily with me, and when I share these posts with the community, I invite you to share your responses, thoughts, and reflections as well.

These entries won’t be perfect. They may even have typos—I’m sharing my raw journal entries so we can work through this season together.

Subscribe to join other women in saying YES to a more courageous, cozy, carefree, creative, and Christ-centered life!!

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February 1: Matthew Chapter 1 Reflection

Matthew chapter 1 is the genealogy of Jesus, which I usually skim/skip (lol!). But this time, when I read it slowly, I realized that women are mentioned—which was extremely unusual in those times because women were almost never included in genealogies (which has always been strange to me, seeing as the mother is the only parent you can truly prove).

Nonetheless, we see Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and Bathsheba mentioned. All of these women were considered problematic, to say the least. Tamar was a Canaanite who impersonated a prostitute. Rahab was a prostitute. Ruth was a foreigner. And Bathsheba was a non-consensual “adulterer.”

Maybe the wildest story (to me) is the story of Tamar and Judah.

Judah was the brother who sold Joseph into slavery. Later in life, Judah’s son Er married a woman named Tamar—but he was evil and died. Then, Tamar married the next brother, Onan, who also died. THEN, Tamar was supposed to marry the third brother, but their dad Judah refused!! He thought Tamar was cursed, even though his sons were clearly the problem.

With her livelihood on the line, Tamar posed as a prostitute and slept with Judah (the daddy!!) She got pregnant with twins. The firstborn, Perez, became the four-times-great-grandfather of Boaz, who was the great-grandfather of King David—a wild man—and Perez was twenty-eight generations removed from Jesus.

All of this made me realize that Jesus had ancestors who would make people purse their lips and shake their heads!!!

We all come from something. I think God chose a family tree full of outcasts and straight up scoundrels to prove that our past doesn’t separate us from His grace. His plan won’t be stopped by human sin, bad decisions, or shameful actions. Jesus came from sinners and for sinners, to prove that our roots don’t define our fruit.

I don’t know yet if this helps with my current struggle, but I do feel peace being reminded that there’s nothing I’ve done that can keep me from God’s promises. Sometimes I worry that I’m the reason for my delayed fertility—was it because I used chemicals on my hair? Because I didn’t sleep well in my early twenties? Because I ate too much sugar or red food dye? lol

Today I’m reminded that even if I did, God can and will overcome all of it.

What does Matthew Chapter 1 make you think about?

February 2: Matthew Chapter 2 Reflection

Matthew 2 spoke directly to my faith and my insecurities. This chapter tells the story of the magi (kings) visiting baby Jesus and being instructed to report back to King Herod who wanted to kill Jesus because he felt threatened.

When the magi didn’t return, Herod ordered all boys aged two and under to be murdered.

What I kept thinking was, This man is so insecure! I can’t believe he’d kill babies because of his insecurity.

But then I thought… Wait. I always assumed I was the magi in this story—but am I Herod?!!!!

I had to sit with that question.

Is there a part of me that wants to sit on the throne of my life and becomes anxious when God asks for control? YES!

And what am I protecting that makes me afraid of Jesus? (Which feels wild to say out loud.)

When I reflected, I realized I was protecting:

1. My timeline and my dream.

   If it were up to me, I would’ve had my first child three years ago, at 27. I hoped to be settled in as a new mother by now. I’ve been placing a deadline on my happiness.

2. My image of a “good God.”

   I stopped praying boldly for a baby because I wanted to protect my old view of God. Because if I pray and He doesn’t give me a baby, I’m forced to wrestle with the question: Is God still good when my womb is empty? And I wasn’t ready for that months ago. (still wrestling with it, honestly. I know the answer is yes… but I don’t feel the answer is yes, so I’m working through it!)

   Can you relate to Herod in some way?

February 3: Matthew Chapter 3 Reflection

John the Baptist was preaching in the literal wilderness. Now, this mattered because back then, if you wanted to find God, you went to the temple — the established, “correct” place.

But Matthew tells us the Word of God showed up in the middle of nowhere!

I realized that for the last few years, I’ve been looking for God in the “temple” areas of my life—where things are going right, where prayers are answered quickly, where faith feels easy.

But sometimes God calls us out of comfort because ritual has replaced relationship (??!)

I’m learning that God often speaks loudest in dry seasons. Or maybe I just hear Him better when the noise of my ideal timeline and plans are stripped away, and all that’s left is hunger for Him.

Also quick thought — Jesus didn’t have to be baptized. But He did to stand right beside His people! He isn’t a God who watches from the shore… He gets in the water with us. I loved that.

How does Matthew Chapter 3 speak to you?

February 4: Matthew Chapter 4 Reflection

Right after the “high” of Jesus’s baptism, He’s led straight into the wilderness to be tempted. What struck me most was how the devil begins:

If You are the Son of God…

He immediately attacks Jesus’s identity, trying to tempt Him to prove His worth through a miracle!!

I felt this! I’ve had the quick-passing thought: If God really loved me, wouldn’t He have given me a baby by now??

That thought has spiraled me into wondering: Does God really love me? Did I hear Him correctly????

I think it’s an “if” trap — trying to get us to trade our identity for outcomes.

But Jesus didn’t turn stones into bread to prove who He was. He already knew who He was because of what God declared in chapter 3. hello!!

I’m realizing the wilderness is where I have to decide whether I’m God’s daughter because He said so or only if He gives me the bread I’m begging for. (oop!)

Has an unanswered desire made you question your identity?

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Writing brings me clarity and joy, and honestly, I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately, unsure what to write.

If you have questions about life, creativity, writing, travel, personal growth, productivity, or anything else, you can comment here or submit one anonymously.

Love you, and see you soon.

P.S. I’ve also been working on the first short story for Honeysuckle. That post will go live this weekend.

Other Resources

Other Resources for you!

• My New Devotional: Rising from the Rut: Reawaken Your Spirit, Rediscover Your God-given Gifts, and Reclaim Your Joy!

  I’m rereading it myself during this season!