I'm not okay (but I will be)

I never want to give the impression that I have a perfect life, but I do feel a deep responsibility to stay positive and uplifting, setting the tone for our community.

But today, I am not okay.

A couple of months ago, I invited you to join me on a journey of saying yes. Yes to creative courage, bold pivots, fierce faith, and daring decisions. Yes to one small step each day that moves us closer to creative success. And most importantly, yes to God’s plan—relinquishing control and trusting Him with our lives.

I haven’t been saying yes—at least not in the way I envisioned. Not daily, and certainly not consistently.

I came to this realization just a few days ago. It all came to a head when I spiraled into the thought that I might never have children because I might never finish graduate school.

Now, to help you understand how my mind got to this point, there are a few things you should know:

1. I overthink E V E R Y T H I N G.

2. I am a first-year Master’s student at Johns Hopkins University.

3. Michael and I are eager to buy our dream home soon.

4. We also want to start having children soon.

5. To save for our home’s down payment, we decided I’d take out student loans instead of paying out of pocket.

6. To begin having children, I need surgery to remove endometriomas that are impeding the function of my ovaries.

7. My surgery was originally scheduled for friday, January 24—until we got. the bill.

8. The surgery will cost $12,000 out of pocket, followed by $55,000 in fertility treatments.

9. We decided to switch health insurance plans to pay significantly less out of pocket.

10. It turns out, Johns Hopkins offers excellent student insurance that would cover my surgery and provide $100,000 toward fertility treatments.

11. To qualify for this insurance, I must be enrolled as a full-time student.

12. Today, I learned my FAFSA application was rejected, and now I might have to drop my courses.

13. If I drop my courses, we lose our insurance.

14. If we lose my insurance, we’ll have to pay for the surgery out of pocket—which means no surgery, no house, and now I’m wondering… do we even need to have kids if we’re not settled in our home yet?! And… ugh. Confusion.

So, you see, our ability to have kids really does depend on whether I can go to school this semester… I think. Saying this out loud feels absurd.

Is it dramatic? Yes—the world isn’t ending.

Is it a major first-world problem? Absolutely.

But I can’t shake the gut-wrenching fear of never seeing mine and my husband’s faces reflected back to us in a beautiful, cooing baby.

I feel like a giant, invisible wall has suddenly appeared in the middle of the highway, and I’ve crashed into it at 80 miles per hour. One moment, I was cruising toward all my dreams, and everything felt smooth and in control. The next? My car is totaled, and I have no way of getting to the next stop.

So, I did what I always do when I don’t know what to do—you can probably guess by now…

I read. I prayed. I fasted.

Together, my husband and I set out on a mission to get clarity from God. And we did get answers—just not the ones we expected (because God always has a sense of humor!)

We prayed about what to do—whether to pay for surgery, save for the house, or pay for tuition. My husband got an answer first: “Wake up an hour earlier every day and spend time with Me.” Huh, God?

And I got my answer next: “Just do.”

Now listen, when people say they talk to God, it might sound a little coo-coo bananas. I used to wonder what people meant by “God told me.” If you’re curious, here’s the transcript of my recent conversation with the Holy Spirit that played out in my head:

“God, tell me what to do, please!”

- “Just do.”

“Do what?”

-“It.”

“It what?”

-“It all.”

“Do it all?”

-“Yes, do it all. Do what you can right now. Do it today. What will bring you closer to Me every day? Closer to love? Joy? Peace? Me?”

“I’m so confused… are you saying just… live?”

“Yes. Live. Live freely. Live for Me. It’ll all work out.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how to do that… I need a plan. I need to plan for the next year at least.”

“Year? You don’t know what next year will look like or if you’ll even be here to see it. Remember, My Word says to number your days so that you will be wise. Make the best of what you have right now, and I will do the rest. Trust Me.”

“Ughhh… it’s really hard to do that, but okay. I guess I can start with just calling the financial aid office?”

“That sounds great, daughter. Now, will you chill the heck out?”

“Yes.”

Yes. As simple as that. Yes.

This conversation with God made me realize something big: I hadn’t been fully living out my “daily yes.” Sure, in theory, I’ve tried to do something every day that brings me closer to my creative calling and purpose, but if I’m honest, I haven’t been 100% committed.

And then I started thinking—what if I just did?

What if I stopped planning what to write and simply wrote it?

What if I stopped mapping out my week and left room for spontaneity—for God to show up and amaze me?

What if I literally, truly said yes to Him every single day?

I’ve decided to track my journey of saying yes. Starting today, I’m going to document daily in my journal and share some of my “yeses” with you in the hopes of encouraging you to keep saying yes, too.

So, here I am—tears in my eyes, knots in my stomach, and worried about my future. I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not okay right now. But I will be. Because today, I’m choosing to say yes—to Him, to small steps, and to surrender.

And once again, I’m inviting you to join me. This time, not as a challenge but as a way of life. A consistent, intentional yes.

So, what do you say?